Thursday, February 10, 2011


This was originally going to be my entry into the Hubbiliicous Eat Drink and Be Merry Contest on Hub Pages. For those who need it explained this is to be taken in the best humor possible. For the rest of you - be afraid - be very afraid.

How to Serve Man or Cooking Humans for Cannibals and Dummies

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not over cook her” ~ Oscar Wilde

“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice cianti.” ~ Hannibal Lector

"I ate a human once and wow, I would never go back!" - Daniel Prodrick

" I won't eat anything that doesn't have a face ..." - Anonymous

This article is not to be confused with instructions on how to preparing the best Human possible in the 60 minutes or less, or in the allotted during a standard iron chef competition. Like the tomato, which was once thought to be poisonous, human flesh is actually a very healthy alternative to the hormone-injected meat you find at your local supermarket, and eating a person is not a soul crushing sin like some conservative religions want you to believe. The fact is that human flesh is both flavorful and full of the essential nutrition our bodies need. It has been a long-standing tradition throughout the centuries to chow down on the slow simmered remains of our fallen enemies, but this culinary art form received little recognition in western culture. If you ever get tired of eating a traditional turkey dinner during Thanksgiving or boring old ham during Easter,or guinea fowl during quansa, maybe you should consider the other other white meat.
Eating People is the smartest solution to many of the problems of today, such as overcrowding and food shortages. There are seriously a ridiculous amount of other conditions that could be resolved or made better just if we hit someone with a club, threw them in a pot with eleven classified herbs and spices, and boiled them on Medium for 45 minutes. But isn't it wrong. No, it is not wrong. Well, sometimes it is because humans are generally not kosher. But if you aren't a Jew, there are a lot of good things that come out of eating people. Firstly, leaving dead people lying around is a waste of good protein, which people can only get from meat and a few nuts and beans. You need protein to live. Basically what I'm saying is that you need to eat other people, or you'll die.
The most obvious solution to having too many people wandering around is to eat half of them. As anyone who has seen the possible future that is the docudrama Soylent Green knows, pretty soon the government will be forced to start grinding up dead people into delicious green protein wafers with cheese. The unfortunate part is that some morons will undoubtedly have qualms about eating other people. They will be the first to die sent to a colony on Mars where they won't have to worry about overpopulation. Of course, there's no air on Mars, and a lot of dihydrogen monoxide, but don't tell them that. This will be happening all over the world, so you'd better get used to it, if you haven't already.
Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person! Like a cantaloupe melon, picking the right person to eat can be a challenge unless you know what you are doing. Here are a few helpful hints in selecting the right one to eat.
Picking The Right Human

Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person! Like a cantaloupe melon, picking the right person to eat can be a challenge unless you know what you are doing. Here are a few helpful hints in selecting the right one to eat.

Age – Just like other game meat, humans get tough and stringy with age. It is best to eat teens at the age of 13-15 years olds. They taste great and are fun to eat. To get a teen to eat take them of the street and cover his mouth and take back to your house. Strip them and cook as desired. They can make a good side-dish. For softer and sometime less filling meals, kids between the ages of 2-12 taste excellent. Their well shaped legs are great for tender, succulent meals. A female of the age 6 may have soft, tender calves that taste better than chicken wings or drumsticks.
Size – Like a good marbled beef, you want your human to have a bit of fat on them and to be of an average weight and size. While a very thin woman may be found attractive, the fact is that what little meat they have is stringy and tough. Very heavy humans tend to be more tender and juicy, but the high fat content can make the flesh greasy and unpleasant. Many find that the perfect cut of human flesh comes from the average American couch potato.
Sex – As in cattle, sex doesn't really matter. Although, females do mature at an earlier age. So it is simply a matter of personal preference.
Nationality – Actual race and color have very little to do with the taste of humans. All races are pink and fleshy underneath the skin. Some believe that brown skinned people contain more omega-3 and calcium, but that is just a myth. However one thing that does make a difference is diet. Humans who are strictly vegetarian tend to taste a bit more beefy than those that primarily eat meat. Other considerations are salt and spice intake. Italians, for example, tend to have a mild, natural garlic taste while people from India tend to be a bit on the spicy side. Also another tip is to cook the anus with salt and garlic at 450 degrees. The healthiest part of the human body is the lymph nodes and also, the uretha. But if undercooked will taste sour and tangy. If you follow these instrutions then u will have a wonderful healthy meal.
Where To Get Your Human
Fortunately, humans are very abundant and the value of a human life has never been lower! Humans have become so common that it is hard to walk down the street without running into many, many potential meals. Schools, Colleges, stores, and more allow humans to be a more easy form of food to catch. First, a good place to hide is near a street, perhaps in a bush, or in a tree. Once one is spotted, grab him or her and drag them to your car. Once inside, strip them until they are down to their underpants. Then tie them up with ropes so they can't move. Once home, untie them and then take off their underpants so now they're fully naked. Then bathe them yourself. It may not seem right cleaning and scrubbing your hands on a naked child but in the end they taste good. After cleaning eat the child alive or get another child and make a child sandwich. This is done by making two children lay on each other naked and putting the ingredients on them and eating both of them alive. It should be noted, however, that the hunting of this animal is still considered illegal in several states and in the more conservative areas of Europe. Asia and Africa, by contrast, are so over populated with unwanted humans that the local governments have started campaigns to rid themselves of the extra people. In China, breeding more than one human offspring is a federal offense and in the middle east they have taken to blowing up as many humans as they can just to lower the population. In the United States, however with the explosion of the population, President Bush would freely give you a human to devour to "stabilize the population".
Human hunting can be very exciting. Humans don't want to just become dinner, so they will use their natural instincts to try to avoid being captured. Many people will attempt a counter attack, thus making the hunter the hunted. If you are not a big game hunter and don't care for the edge-of-your-seat thrill of bringing down your own kill, don't worry, the average drug addicted bum will gladly off someone for you for a small fee or a few grams of their favorite medication. Pricks and bullies are also good sources of human flesh, but the end product is usually so battered that it is only good for ground meat or stew cuts. Finally, with the lax morals of today's youth and the right to cheap abortions, there is always a large supply of fresh human fetus to go around; check around back of your local chapter of Planned Parenthood as they always have a fresh supply. Also prostitutes and young high school drop outs taste spicy. There attitude has something to do with it but their bodies also end up aiding in their consumption. It is estimated that by the year 2018, all young drop outs and prostitutes will have been or are being eaten.
MIT hunting can be even more exciting. MIT's can be hunted and are an easier alternative to "fully working" human hunting. This is due to the inability of the MIT to produce sugar and they therefore they have to stop for injections every 20 mins. The easiest way to track a MIT is by the trail of destruction and fail that is left behind by one. Please be aware that a MIT's only defense is to WEEE itself and hope that the hunter feels pity and carries on past them.
A last option is to find a feedee, they're willing participants, to let's say, be filled out a bit more. Once they reach that magical number just drug away and you've got a ready meal without having to partake in kidnapping, no hassle, no fuss, just delicately prepared and rounded feast!

If you're new to cooking humans, this chart should help you decide what cut would you like Once you have selected your human it is time to prepare it for cooking. Unfortunately, most modern stores still do not carry human, so it will be up to you to butcher and clean the carcass. For those of us who are unfamiliar with butchering their own meat we may want to consider paying the local butcher shop to do it for you. If you are up to doing the job yourself, there are many great reference books, such as Grey's Anatomy, to help you along.
For a first timer, it is usually best to catch yourself a fat human, this way you can practice the various carving techniques on their many rolls of fat. You get more practice and a bigger meal- that way!! While some organ meat is quite good, most human organs are just too foul to be safely eaten. Brain is the most popular organ meat followed closely by kidneys. Avoid eating the liver at all costs, as humans tend to abuse their livers and thus they are full of lethal toxins.
Like other large animals, the average human will yield quite a lot of meat of various qualities and types. Typical cuts are bicep steaks, rump roasts and thigh hams. Ribs are very popular for the bar-b-q and fingers are great when tossed in a nice buffalo wing coating and baked. Toes can also be a delicious treat, less healthy but much sweeter than fingers. Females may be a less likely dish to take when it comes to toes due to the toxic paint they place upon them, however if you see one in flip flops without this paint, feel obliged to devour them.
If you're looking for some delicious hams, look no further than your local high school or college. Girls between the ages of 14-24 have perfectly sized thighs that make excellent meals. Simply add spices and sugar and voila. Calves also make good drumsticks. Breaded, fried, oiled, buttered and plane taste phenomenal. Males tend to have tough calves that may be chewy, especially to me. However, for softer sweeter and sometimes juicier meat, look for girls. Athletes tend to have more leg meat thus more food. Soccer players, cheerleaders, gymnasts, runners, etc. all have perfect leg meat.

Always use quality ingredients!As stated above, humans can be incorporated into almost any recipe that calls for meat. It is important to cook your human thoroughly, as they tend to be filled with a wide array of viruses and bacteria, especially swine flu. Human flesh should not be consumed unless it has been cooked to an internal temperature of at least 160°F. With that in mind, you can pretty much substitute human in any of your existing beef or pork recipes, but, since human meat has a genetic resemblance to pork, it is more common to use in pork recipes. Slow cooking tends to be the best way to bring out all of the natural flavors while optimizing the texture of the meat. As with all meats, you never want to over-cook your human. A general rule of thumb for oven roasting your human is 15-20 minutes per pound, but cooking times vary according to the recipe you are using.

Stewed Belly Human Stew
Looks tasty!
Vegetable oil, for searing
2 1/2 pounds shoulder meat, cut into 2-inch cubes
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 medium onions, cut into 6ths
5 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1/3 cup all-purpose flour, or to cover
10 cups cold water, or chicken or human broth, homemade or low-sodium canned
6 sprigs parsley
6 sprigs fresh thyme
1 1/4 pounds medium red potatoes, quartered
4 medium carrots, cut into 2-inch pieces
2 celery stalks, cut into 2-inch pieces
7 canned whole, peeled tomatoes, lightly crushed
2 to 3 teaspoons red wine vinegar, or to taste

Heat a large Dutch oven with a tight-fitting lid over medium-high heat. Pour in enough oil to fill the pan about 1/4-inch deep. Season the person generously with salt and pepper, and add to the pan. Saute half the meat, uncovered, stirring only occasionally, until well-browned, about 8 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the person to a plate. Repeat with the remaining meat. Discard the oil and wipe out the pan.
Spice your meal with some pepperoni to give it that extra piece of delicatacy and flavo(u)r
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Return the pot to the stove and melt the butter over medium high heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the tomato paste and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 1 minute more. Add the reserved human and scatter the flour over the vegetable and human mixture (enough to lightly coat) and cook stirring until lightly toasted. Add the water or broth, and bring to a simmer. Tie the parsley, thyme, and bay leaves together with a piece of kitchen twine and add the bundle to the pot. Season with 2 teaspoons salt, or to taste. Cover and transfer to the oven. Cook the meat until just tender, about 1 1/2 hours. (This can also be done on the stove at a low simmer.)
Remove pot from the oven. Skim the fat from the cooking liquid with a spoon or ladle. Add the potatoes, carrots, celery, and the tomatoes, and bring to a simmer on top of the stove. Cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the liquid thickens and the vegetables are tender, about 1 hour. Remove and discard the herb bundle. Stir in the vinegar and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Divide among bowls and serve immediately.

Bon Appetit!!!

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